Gossip Girl “The Townie” Skype Recap
Tori doesn’t watch Gossip Girl. Alanna does. So every week, Alanna liveblogs the show for her, for vicarious-watching opportunity. What follows is the (completely unedited) Skype conversation recap of last night’s episode, “The Townie.” Beware of Dair and misspellings.
Alanna Bennett: And now, Gossip Girl…
Alanna Bennett: Once it loads…
Victoria Neuman : I’m excited.
Alanna Bennett: OK, I am very confused about why Jail Bro of Serial Killer is so angry at Juliet (Serial Killer) for drugging Serena
Alanna Bennett: He’s the one who threatened to never speak to her again if she didn’t continue to try and destroy Serena
Victoria Neuman : He’s bipolar?
Alanna Bennett: She was all happy with Nate and willing to let everything go, then Jail Dude’s all “NEVER!”
Alanna Bennett: And everything went to hell
Victoria Neuman : He totes fucked with her head
Alanna Bennett: Now they’re not talking because she “went too far”
Victoria Neuman : I’d love to know what his idea of the perfect compromise is.
Alanna Bennett: OMG, I am SO EXCITED to see Dan and Blair work together
Alanna Bennett: They are so opposites
Victoria Neuman : They’ll be like the Odd Couple
Alanna Bennett: I just hope they don’t sleep together and go Dair, that’s always a risk on this show
Alanna Bennett: They have a MISSION!
Alanna Bennett: I love GG missions
Victoria Neuman : A mission?
Alanna Bennett: “You can’t show up at a masked ball and not expect at least ONE social climbing doppelganger to try and impersonate you”
Alanna Bennett: Truer words were never spoken, Blair
Victoria Neuman : She’s so wise
Alanna Bennett: Also, I really want her coat
Alanna Bennett: They’re drinking coffee simultaneously, this episode’s obvi gonna see some Dair sex
Victoria Neuman : Damn.
Alanna Bennett: OK, so at this point they’re JUST recapping the last two episodes. Exposition!
Alanna Bennett: WE KNOW, GUYS. WE WATCHED IT
Alanna Bennett: Aaaand, now we’ve caught up. Onward!
Alanna Bennett: They theorize Juliet is after retribution
Alanna Bennett: Which she is.
Alanna Bennett: And I’m really not even sure at this point if we know for what.
Victoria Neuman : So they’re about where we are
Alanna Bennett: And meanwhile, Serena is apparently still convinced she forgot that she started doing drugs
Alanna Bennett: Aka she’s in rehab
Victoria Neuman : Gah, Serena, come on.
Alanna Bennett: She does not seem very happy with her current situation
Victoria Neuman : Well she shouldn’t be!
Alanna Bennett: Oh, and she has made the decision not to allow visitors
Alanna Bennett: Which makes Dair smad
Victoria Neuman : Is smad sad and mad?
Alanna Bennett: yes indeed it is
Victoria Neuman : Like it.
Alanna Bennett: LOL, Dan is trying to convince the receptionist that they should be let in to see her because “I’m her brother! Well, step-brother really, which I really try to put out of mind because we dated pretty seriously”
Alanna Bennett: Wow, not a good way to convince the psych ward that you’re the best influence, Dan
Victoria Neuman : Yeah, that’s a bit of an overshare.
Alanna Bennett: Also, this show is weird
Victoria Neuman : I will not argue
Alanna Bennett: OK, so apparently people seem to think that, “no matter what screwy events led her here, she’s here now, and probably getting the help she’s needed for a long time.”
Alanna Bennett: Uh, what?
Victoria Neuman : Oh people.
Alanna Bennett: Dair disagrees
Alanna Bennett: Nate has some pretty serious eyebrow action going on this episode
Victoria Neuman : :D
Alanna Bennett: possibly to make up for the lack of Date this episode (Dan/Nate, natch)
Victoria Neuman : Natch
Victoria Neuman : He’s not eyebrowing with Nate? Sadness.
Alanna Bennett: Nate’s all sad cause his dad isn’t trustworthy
Alanna Bennett: Which we learned season one, Nate, keep up!
Victoria Neuman : He’s a simple lad
Alanna Bennett: Oh yes he is
Alanna Bennett: Lol Blair wants to go all Alias with wigs and accents
Victoria Neuman : Of course she does
Alanna Bennett: Now they’re trying to track down Juliet
Victoria Neuman : I’m surprised it wasn’t Dan who suggested it
Alanna Bennett: He suggested the accents
Alanna Bennett: But he was kinda being sarcastic…
Victoria Neuman : Sure…
Alanna Bennett: Ooooh, they’re planning on using Gossip Girl to track down Juliet!
Alanna Bennett: She’s their ouija board!
Alanna Bennett: Too bad they don’t know who she is…
Alanna Bennett: Although I suppose they could email her…
Victoria Neuman : So we have no idea who GG is?
Alanna Bennett: Not in the slightest
Alanna Bennett: They almost found out in the season 2 finale, but she outsmarted them
Alanna Bennett: So they kind of just gave in and embraced it
Victoria Neuman : Do we know?
Alanna Bennett: Nope
Alanna Bennett: All we know is that it’s Kristen Bell’s voice-over
Victoria Neuman : Is she supposed to be one of the characters?
Alanna Bennett: I don’t think so, it kind of stopped even being a real mystery a while ago
Alanna Bennett: She’s just kind of….omniscient…
Victoria Neuman : FE
Victoria Neuman : I’ve decided that’s an abbreviation for fair enough, cause I say it a lot
Alanna Bennett: A Juliet scene!
Victoria Neuman : With whom?
Alanna Bennett: And now she’s gone
Alanna Bennett: She was just alone, getting off a bus
Alanna Bennett: We don’t know where, I don’t think
Victoria Neuman : Did she run away or was she just visiting the brother
Alanna Bennett: She left the brother to rot in his cell because of his weird disapproval
Alanna Bennett: She “went home” maybe
Victoria Neuman : Is she going to help Serena?
Alanna Bennett: No
Alanna Bennett: She’s just…somewhere else
Alanna Bennett: OH
Alanna Bennett: GOSSIP GIRL FOUND HER
Victoria Neuman : Snap!
Victoria Neuman : Was the narration like “Bitch, I found you”
Alanna Bennett: What does she, have tracking devices on every person who steps foot in the upper east side?
Victoria Neuman : That would explain a lot
Alanna Bennett: “Buckle up, kids, looks like this unholy alliance is hitting the road”
Alanna Bennett: That was the narration
Alanna Bennett: Ooh, a Serena therapist session!
Alanna Bennett: “Serena, are you upset because of what you did or because you can’t remember it?”
Victoria Neuman : That’s a weird question
Alanna Bennett: “Both and neither. If you saw that kind of picture of yourself on the internet, what would you think?”
Alanna Bennett: NOT THAT I DID IT
Alanna Bennett: Serena is now having flashbacks to screwing Nate when he was dating Blair
Alanna Bennett: It started with a very phallic champaign popping
Victoria Neuman : Haha, as all good things do
Alanna Bennett: Now she’s flashing back to the time she accidentally “killed” that one guy
Alanna Bennett: AKA he overdosed, she was there, she felt guilty
Victoria Neuman : Ah, was gonna say
Alanna Bennett: That’s when she ran away to boarding school, before the show started
Alanna Bennett: I think they’re going to the town where the boarding school was!
Victoria Neuman : Who?
Alanna Bennett: Dair! Maybe that’s where Juliet was from!
Victoria Neuman : That would explain some things
Alanna Bennett: Blair is mocking Dan’s slow driving
Alanna Bennett: Where on earth did they get the ancient car they’re driving
Alanna Bennett: it’s like a 1940s model
Victoria Neuman : Is it fabulous or just broken-down?
Alanna Bennett: Fab
Victoria Neuman : Of course.
Victoria Neuman : Like I had to ask
Alanna Bennett: Dan is wondering how Blair can be such a backseat driver when she doesn’t even know how to drive
Victoria Neuman : I’m surprised he knows how
Victoria Neuman : Manhattan kids.
Alanna Bennett: pft, true dat
Alanna Bennett: Oh, actually, I think it’s supposed to be broken down
Alanna Bennett: and yet still kind of fab
Alanna Bennett: It’s broken down because it’s Dan’s dad’s car
Alanna Bennett: Chuck!
Victoria Neuman : Yay!
Victoria Neuman : Why is he there?
Alanna Bennett: He’s elsewhere
Victoria Neuman : Ah
Alanna Bennett: Oh, Lilly, that’s a horrid dress
Victoria Neuman : Tsk Lilly
Alanna Bennett: Also, I like how Chuck acts like a 30 year old man
Alanna Bennett: He probs hasn’t even turned 20 yet
Alanna Bennett: He runs his own hotel empire
Victoria Neuman : That’s just so badass
Alanna Bennett: They are at Juliet’s living space, now, supposedly
Alanna Bennett: ….It might be a frat house…
Alanna Bennett: I’m confused
Victoria Neuman : She’s a dude?
Alanna Bennett: I doubt it, but ya never know with television
Alanna Bennett: Lol Dair “What are we, just going to walk up to her and pull her hair?”
“for starters”
Victoria Neuman : Now they’re getting serious
Alanna Bennett: Ha, not a frat house I don’t think, but there is a drunk guy passed out with “I heart balls” written on his forehead
Alanna Bennett: Always with the class, Gossip Girl
Victoria Neuman : Maybe he does heart balls
Alanna Bennett: Also, wherever they are it appears to be a mansion
Alanna Bennett: And that’s what Blair says: “Well at least he’s owning it”
Alanna Bennett: OH
Alanna Bennett: This is something I did not actually witness first hand as I was not watching the show at the time
Alanna Bennett: But this is not Juliet’s abode, it is the location of Dan’s whorey little sister Jenny’s old drug-dealing boyfriend
Alanna Bennett: Who is VERY attractive, I’ve gotta say
Victoria Neuman : That’s a new one
Alanna Bennett: Apparently his name is Damian Dalguard
Alanna Bennett: He does not look happy to see them
Alanna Bennett: Wow, Nate wears a lot of guyliner
Victoria Neuman : That’s the first step
Alanna Bennett: Especially when he’s supposed to look brooding
Alanna Bennett: Nate and Damian look very similar
Alanna Bennett: Damian asks about his ex (Jenny), and Blair simply says “I banished her”
Alanna Bennett: He’s dressed like a cast member of the vampire diaries
Victoria Neuman : Obviously ridiculous twists are eminent
Alanna Bennett: Ah, apparently Damian went to boarding school with Serena
Alanna Bennett: So apparently ether is a turn-of-the-century roofie, and Juliet used it on Serena when she kidnapped her
Victoria Neuman : That’s old school
Alanna Bennett: Apparently Juliet was a townie in the town where Serena’s boarding school is
Victoria Neuman : Ah, the plot thickens
Alanna Bennett: I have a feeling the town/gown relationship was not great
Alanna Bennett: Also, this episode is CALLED “The Townie”
Alanna Bennett: JULIET HAS SPOTTED DAIR AND DAMIEN
Victoria Neuman : Oh no!
Alanna Bennett: She looks vaguely panicked, but mainly pissed
Alanna Bennett: Ohh, more flashbacks’ to Serena’s Bad Girl days!
Alanna Bennett: She’s mixing…drugs? drinks? i can’t tell
Alanna Bennett: Ah, drinks
Alanna Bennett: Now she’s dancing to Soulja Boy
Alanna Bennett: OMG
Alanna Bennett: a very dorky Damian is next to her
Alanna Bennett: He’s obviously developed some swagger since then
Victoria Neuman : Awww, that sounds adorable
Alanna Bennett: He has nasely dork voice and everything!
Alanna Bennett: Whereas now he kind of looks/acts like Damon
Victoria Neuman : That is definitely 15 steps up
Alanna Bennett: He’s helping her forge her grades
Alanna Bennett: And in return she kissed him
Victoria Neuman : And he magically got swagger?
Alanna Bennett: He was her tutor, now he’s a high-class drug dealer
Alanna Bennett: I have no idea what happened in btw, but I kind of want to see him get a spinoff
Alanna Bennett: They arrived at Juliet’s doorstep!
Alanna Bennett: Her mother answered
Alanna Bennett: Damien is SO attractive
Alanna Bennett: Also, I recognize him, no idea from where
Victoria Neuman : Damn he is fine! And so do I!
Alanna Bennett: O
Alanna Bennett: M
Alanna Bennett: G
Alanna Bennett: He was in “It’s a Boy Girl thing”
Alanna Bennett: Such a terrible, awesome movie!
Victoria Neuman : Haha
Alanna Bennett: Also, he had an affair with Emily Blunt in Jane Austen Book Club
Alanna Bennett: So great
Alanna Bennett: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0482527/
Alanna Bennett: I highly suggest you watch this movie
Victoria Neuman : It looks ridiculous/awesome
Alanna Bennett: I love it so much
Alanna Bennett: He has to be a girl at heart for half of it
Alanna Bennett: And fall in love with the guy in his/her body
Victoria Neuman : I recognize him from Transamerica
Alanna Bennett: Was he the son?!
Victoria Neuman : Yeah!
Alanna Bennett: I NEED TO SEE THAT MOVIE
Victoria Neuman : It’s a good movie
Alanna Bennett: Also, I know where this episode is heading
Alanna Bennett: Ben (Jail Guy) was a teacher at the school, and Juliet’s brother
Victoria Neuman : Ah. Yep.
Alanna Bennett: I’m going to say that Serena maybe slept with him?
Alanna Bennett: Or got him fired some other way?
Victoria Neuman : That was my guess too
Alanna Bennett: Aaand, cue flashback to inappropriate teacher/student relationship
Victoria Neuman : There it is.
Alanna Bennett: Serena’s hitting on him
Alanna Bennett: More subtely than is usual for her, so that means she actually liked him
Alanna Bennett: He’s apparently the guy who got her on the right path and off the booze/drugs?
Victoria Neuman : Bummer he got arrested
Alanna Bennett: OK, in flashbacks Damien looks EXACTLY like Zac Efron
Alanna Bennett: Ah, Ben (Jail Guy) is trying to resist the powers of Serena
Alanna Bennett: he should know the attempt is futile
Alanna Bennett: He was the only guy to ever say no to her, apparently
Alanna Bennett: And that was how it ended…
Alanna Bennett: Wow that was an anticlimactic flashback
Victoria Neuman : That is anticlimactic
Victoria Neuman : And they threw him in jail for that?
Alanna Bennett: I kind of doubt it
Alanna Bennett: That part of the story is still fuzzy
Alanna Bennett: UH OH
Alanna Bennett: Juliet, what are you doing?
Alanna Bennett: WHAT, WHAT, WHAT are you doing??
Victoria Neuman : :D
Victoria Neuman : That’s just so applicable to all situations
Victoria Neuman : I said it a lot during Brokeback Mountain
Alanna Bennett: She said, because Dair and Damien are over questioning her mother about things, that it’s time that she “finish this thing once and for all like she should have in the first place”
Victoria Neuman : That sounds ominous
Alanna Bennett: This does not bode well for…anyone
Alanna Bennett: SERIAL KILLER
Alanna Bennett: Ben said not to hurt Serena, she said “Pfft, like you can stop me”
Alanna Bennett: DOES NOT BODE WELL
Victoria Neuman : Yeah…no…
Alanna Bennett: LOL
Alanna Bennett: Nate, who knows very little about what is going on these days, walks into the jail to visit his dad and Ben screams “SERENA!”
Alanna Bennett: Now he’s telling Nate to find Juliet
Victoria Neuman : Oh this show
Alanna Bennett: Or rather, make sure Serena hasn’t been murdered
Victoria Neuman : Date reunion!
Victoria Neuman : Potentially
Alanna Bennett: They are on the phone right now
Alanna Bennett: Nate is telling him about the strange jail man who told him to protect Serena
Victoria Neuman : Yay!
Alanna Bennett: They are going to meet at the Van Der Woodsen’s
Alanna Bennett: WHAT
Alanna Bennett: Serena is reading a book
Alanna Bennett: believability down 89%
Victoria Neuman : Hahahaha
Alanna Bennett: JULIET IS IN HER ROOM
Alanna Bennett: RUN, SERENA
Alanna Bennett: RUNNNNN!!!
Victoria Neuman : SCARY!!!!
Alanna Bennett: Gossip Girl says “Uh oh, you’ve got a surprise visitor and she’s about to give you shock therapy”
Alanna Bennett: Way to play down MURDER, Gossip Girl!
Alanna Bennett: Oh, apparently Ben became a crazy stalker and Serena pressed charges?
Alanna Bennett: Hence the jail?
Victoria Neuman : That seems weird
Alanna Bennett: Lol, Blair seems to think Dan is going to do the same thing
Alanna Bennett: He’s like “Yeah, but Serena LOVES ME BACK”
Alanna Bennett: That’s what they all say, dude
Victoria Neuman : True
Alanna Bennett: Juliet is confessing to Serena
Alanna Bennett: …Serena seems…serene
Victoria Neuman : Haha
Alanna Bennett: And surprised that Juliet is Ben’s sister
Alanna Bennett: She also seems to have no memory of sending Ben to jail
Alanna Bennett: Must be all the imaginary cocaine
Victoria Neuman : Must be
Alanna Bennett: OR someone else forged Serena’s signature on the papers!
Alanna Bennett: Was it DAMIEN?
Alanna Bennett: My money’s on Damien
Victoria Neuman : GASP!
Alanna Bennett: He WAS in love with Serean
Alanna Bennett: *Serena
Alanna Bennett: And he probs knew her handwriting because he did all her homework
Victoria Neuman : GASP
Alanna Bennett: Ah, Ben is innocent, someone DEF set him up
Victoria Neuman : Poor Ben.
Alanna Bennett: It was either Lilly (Serena’s mom) or Damien
Alanna Bennett: Chuck is back!
Alanna Bennett: So is…Serena?
Victoria Neuman : Still not where the action is?
Alanna Bennett: Also, she brought Juliet to the party her mother is throwing
Alanna Bennett: UH OH
Alanna Bennett: Looks like Serena’ gonna out her mother’s (possible) subterfuge in front of all the guests
Victoria Neuman : WHOA
Alanna Bennett: Oh, apparently not in a speech, she pulled Lilly aside to confront her
Alanna Bennett: But first, a photo op!
Alanna Bennett: Also, Dair has arrived at the party with Damien!
Alanna Bennett: And she is annoucing it in front of everyone!
Alanna Bennett: Why, Serena, WHY?
Alanna Bennett: Oh, not the details, just called her a selfish liar
Victoria Neuman : That imaginary cocaine has done some crazy shit to her brain
Alanna Bennett: Whaaaaaaaaa
Alanna Bennett: They’re selling Bass Industries!
Victoria Neuman : Wait, what? Why?
Victoria Neuman : Does that affect the hotels?
Alanna Bennett: Which Lilly is in charge of but was supposed to pass down to Chuck!
Alanna Bennett: (It was his father’s empire)
Victoria Neuman : Damn it, Lily!
Alanna Bennett: And we don’t know why
Alanna Bennett: Also, Dair’s spotted Juliet!
Alanna Bennett: Serena seems awfully willing to forgive Juliet’s kidnapping/drugging of her
Victoria Neuman : I wouldn’t be
Alanna Bennett: She just said “nothing excuses it,” then moved on
Alanna Bennett: Blair, however, wants revenge
Victoria Neuman : Hells yeah
Alanna Bennett: They just let her walk away….
Victoria Neuman : And then shoot her.
Alanna Bennett: Blair is not happy, she had to sit in a car with Dan all day
Alanna Bennett: Serena is confronting her mother again
Victoria Neuman : Exciting stuff
Alanna Bennett: Lilly falsely accused Ben of statutory rape (allegedly)
Victoria Neuman : Whoa.
Alanna Bennett: That’s what sent him to jail
Alanna Bennett: Lilly wanted to get Serena back into the good manhattan schools, but they wouldn’t take her unless they had a reason for her bad grades
Victoria Neuman : That’s a bitch move
Victoria Neuman : x7
Alanna Bennett: Pretty much
Alanna Bennett: Now she feels bad because now she knows he was innocent
Victoria Neuman : Serena or Lilly?
Alanna Bennett: Lily. Chuck’s like “pfft, I’ve done worse”
Victoria Neuman : Of course he is
Victoria Neuman : Did she think he was guilty?
Alanna Bennett: Lilly thought he’d done it
Alanna Bennett: She thought he’d been having an affair with Serena
Alanna Bennett: WHOA
Alanna Bennett: Rufus (Dan’s dad, Lilly’s husband) just spilled the beans about Lilly selling Bass Industries
Alanna Bennett: Chuck will NOT be pleased
Victoria Neuman : Yeah…no…
Alanna Bennett: His BOWTIE looks angry
Alanna Bennett: And he’s going all Brando
Victoria Neuman : Ooh, that sounds hot
Alanna Bennett: It is
Alanna Bennett: Now all of her children are mad at Lilly, and Lilly’s in the same position Serena was two episodes ago
Alanna Bennett: Aside from the drugs/kidnapping part
Alanna Bennett: One week later!
Victoria Neuman : Damn
Alanna Bennett: Dan is cooking for the gang, Nate says they should end this experiment in middle-class living and call the house-keeping to clean up
Victoria Neuman : Haha, dear God
Alanna Bennett: Apparently they are having a belated thanksgiving?
Victoria Neuman : They should also end their experiment in heterosexuality, just BTW
Alanna Bennett: Blair admitted to having stuffed her hand up a turkey’s (dead) butt
Alanna Bennett: Believability down 800%
Victoria Neuman : :D
Alanna Bennett: Chuck just said he’s off to New Zealand to enjoy girls who enjoy sex games in the rainforest…
Alanna Bennett: This show is weird
Victoria Neuman : Yes.
Victoria Neuman : Yes it is.
Alanna Bennett: Aw, Nate is helping Dan clean up!
Victoria Neuman : Cuteness!
Alanna Bennett: Oh, apparently now Serena wants to help get Ben out of jail
Victoria Neuman : That’s nice of her.
Victoria Neuman : And as it should be
Alanna Bennett: Dan is going with her on the road trip to find the judge?
Victoria Neuman : Yay!
Alanna Bennett: Nate is walking Chuck out
Alanna Bennett: So is Blair
Alanna Bennett: Apparently Chuck is going to Australia to find his uncle (creepy Joey Quinn) to help with the whole BI thing
Victoria Neuman : BI or bi?
Alanna Bennett: BI
Victoria Neuman : Disappointing
Alanna Bennett: Yup
Victoria Neuman : Very disappointing
Alanna Bennett: Indeed
Alanna Bennett: Ok, everybody (including Dan now) has been treating Serena like she’s on this delicate balance and might go back to her evil ways if they, like, hang out with her
Alanna Bennett: Which is blatantly untrue
Victoria Neuman : That makes no sense - they know she was framed.
Alanna Bennett: Precisely!
Alanna Bennett: Also, Nate’s dad is going to live with him when he gets out of jail
Alanna Bennett: That’s gonna be interesting
Alanna Bennett: OH NO.
Alanna Bennett: IS DAIR SEX IMMINENT?
Victoria Neuman : OH NO
Alanna Bennett: They’ve realized they have no one to hang out with except for each other
Victoria Neuman : Shit
Victoria Neuman : Maybe they’ll just play Scrabble
Alanna Bennett: They’re going to see a french movie
Alanna Bennett: It’s about orangutangs
Victoria Neuman : That’s….weird.
Alanna Bennett: Apparently Blair knows the orangutang personally
Alanna Bennett: They’re now washing dishes together
Alanna Bennett: No sex yet, but they are my new favorite friendship
Alanna Bennett: Serena’s visiting Ben!
Victoria Neuman : Yay!
Alanna Bennett: And, end of episode!
Alanna Bennett: No more till after hiatus!
We hope you enjoyed our random thoughts. This program will likely return when the show returns from hiatus in late January.
[Photo Courtesy of The CW]
